10. "Well, according to our NBC
affiliate in Wilmington, North Carolina, former Democratic presidential
candidate John 'I am not the father' Edwards has reportedly bought a home for
his former mistress. See, that's why John Edwards thinks there are two Americas. He's
got two different women living in two different houses. Anyway, he bought a
house for the woman he was having an affair with. Imagine if Tiger Woods started doing that. You could
jump-start the housing market like that, and put millions of people back to
work." -Jay Leno
9. "Senior New York Senator Chuck
Schumer was on an airplane, and they were flying someplace. And they landed. He
called one of the flight attendants a 'bitch.' Apparently, there was some
ugliness. There were words exchanged. And it got heated and at one point the
argument was so loud, it actually woke up the pilot." -David Letterman
8. "Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud
with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about
global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living
in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold
Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah
for many years now." -Jimmy Kimmel
7. "President Obama says that
Congress is very close to getting a new health care plan, but due to
compromises, it 'won't include everything that everybody wants.' For instance,
it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital." -Conan
O'Brien
6. "Good news, ladies and
gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the
economy of China." -David Letterman
5. "The other night they had that
Christmas in Washington holiday special. And you know, people in Washington,
right away the bickering started. Lou Dobbs accused Santa of using illegal
immigrant labor. Rush Limbaugh said the gifts were part of some kind of
socialist give away program. The AFL-CIO claims that Santa underpays his elves,
and of course, since it's Washington, you're not going to find three wise men
and a virgin. So the whole thing was pretty much a disaster." -Jay Leno
4. "Well, on the news today,
people are complaining that we can't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bin Laden in
Afghanistan? We can't even find Tiger Woods in Florida." -Jay Leno
3. "Huge protest and
hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad
the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to
sedate the crowd." -Jay Leno
2. "And Citigroup announced it is paying taxpayers back the $20 billion in
bailout money it took. Wells Fargo announced it's paying back $25 billion it
borrowed. And Bank of America says they've paid back the $45 billion in
taxpayer money they borrowed. So the good news is taxpayers got their money
back from Wall Street. The bad news? Congress has it. You'll never see it
again, O.K.? It is gone. It is gone forever." -Jay Leno
1. "History was made this week. This weekend Houston became the city to
ever elect an openly lesbian mayor. That's not the part that made history. The
part that made history, finally a woman in the news not accused of sleeping
with Tiger Woods." -Jay Leno
