10. "Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her
educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she
thought her resume needed massaging." —Craig Ferguson, on O'Donnell
claiming she attended Oxford University
9. "Today we found out that a third college that she
said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if
she ever really went to Hogwarts." —Bill Maher, on Christine O'Donnell
8. "On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he
supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced
they support Sarah Palin." —Jimmy Fallon
7. "Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a
Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a
follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno
6. "Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running
on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out
this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years.
Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that
she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know
what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their
house, we'd move to Alaska." —Bill Maher
5. "President Obama has been meeting with voters in
what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You
know something; I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards.
Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." —Jay Leno
4. "Obama has been now finally getting on the campaign
trail trying to help [Democrats]. Their big plan is a series of what they call
backyard visits where the President speaks to people in their backyards in
Middle America. Because nothing calms the fears of Middle Americans like having
a black man suddenly appear in your backyard." —Bill Maher
3. "Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House
agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the
decision to go into Iraq." —David Letterman
2. "I understand why Christine would want people to
think she went to Oxford. Oxford has produced some legendary politicians.
Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton went to Oxford. I'm sure Bill would
remember Christine if he saw her at Oxford. 'Hey baby, I hear you're a witch.
You want to ride my broomstick? Because if you don't, I'll do it myself, and
that would be wrong.'" —Craig Ferguson
1. "The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial
candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that
he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her
this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don't try this at home. This
guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the
trifecta of professional liars." —Jay Leno
David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways
Barack Obama Can Boost His Popularity With Younger Voters"
10. Refer to himself as the Chillaxer-in-Chief
9. Limit speeches to 140 characters or less
8. Broadcast all Oval Office addresses in 3D
7. Replace Rahm Emanuel with a hunky, brooding vampire
6. Trade in Air Force One for rocket-powered Obama-cycle
5. Answer tough questions with "Whatevs"
4. Change name to Bajustin Obieber
3. Refer to his abdominal muscles as "The Administration"
2. Check into rehab, go to prison, check back into rehab, go back to prison,
check back into rehab
1. Join Team Coco