10. "Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Obama should try that with John Boehner." –Jay Leno

9. “New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English." –David Letterman

8. "President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, 'It's a trap, don't do it!' But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers." –Jay Leno

7. "According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'" –Conan O'Brien

6. "The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt's new leader, President Betty White." –Conan O'Brien

5. "Most Americans know Jon Huntsman as 'the candidate most Americans don't know.' Gov. Huntsman's announcement puts him somewhere between Ron Paul and Count Chocula as the favorite to win the GOP nomination." –Jimmy Kimmel

4. "Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: 'Now hiring!' Sixteen of Gingrich's top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He's not even president and he's already raising the unemployment rate." –Jay Leno 

3. "Today bin Laden’s deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn." –Jimmy Fallon

2. "According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him." –Conan O'Brien

1. "Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money" 

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive 
9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon 
8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline" 
7. New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors" 
6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless 
5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator 
4. Reducing afterlife payment to 61 virgins 
3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs 
2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon 
1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat 

For our Maher fans:

"New Rule: Stop comparing Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann just because they're both Republican women. And crazy. And know-nothings. And Jesus freaks, who claim to receive messages from God. Who both get their historical facts wrong all the time. Who both give off a sound that only animals can hear and makes microwaves explode. Seriously, stop comparing them." –Bill Maher

"Our long national nightmare is over. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. Anthony Weiner has resigned. That's right, he decided to take his balls and go home. And it is now safe to go back on Twitter." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney was sitting down with some unemployed workers the other day. Mitt is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, and he said, 'hey, I'm unemployed too.' That is the famous Mormon sense of humor. A little tip Mitt, your people are only funny when the 'South Park' guys write your jokes. " –Bill Maher