10. "President Obama is gearing up for his presidential
campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just
last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women." –Conan
O'Brien
9. "In case you're wondering where your tax dollars go,
21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20
percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander." –Jimmy
Kimmel
8. "The IRS is very into social media now. They have
five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they
are definitely following you." –Jimmy Kimmel
7. "Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with
prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing
but their sunglasses and those earpieces." –Conan O'Brien
6. "President Obama released his tax returns. It turns
out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that
means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." –Jay Leno
5. If you feel angry about so much money in this country
going to defense, don't forget, if we didn't spend more money on weapons than
every other country combined, then Iran could not put the bomb they don't have
on the Koran rocket that doesn't work." –Bill Maher
4. "The Democrats accuse the Republicans of launching a war on women. Then
the Republicans accuse the Democrats of the same thing. At this point, who can
remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including
mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds?" –Stephen Colbert
3. "Ann Romney...is defending her husband for once strapping the family
dog to the roof of their station wagon on a family trip, saying, 'The dog loved
it.' Unfortunately the dog could not be reached for comment because he ran away
to stay with Michael Vick." –Conan O'Brien
2. "Google, I am shocked. You stole people's personal information without
their permission? That is Facebook's job!" –Jon Stewart
1. "The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero
friends on all of those." –Jimmy Kimmel
More
for or our Maher fans:
"Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To
which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself." –Bill
Maher
"It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing,
but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to
keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan." –Bill
Maher
"The pundits say Santorum pulled out at just the right time, which is also
his birth control policy." –Bill Maher
"New Rule: If you order the new Pizza Hut pizza with the hotdog-stuffed
crust, you have to pay more for healthcare. And stop acting like this is a new
idea. For years, Marcus Bachmann has been telling the delivery guy’ I'd like a
wiener in my rim." –Bill Maher
