10. "You know who's in town today? Mitt Romney. Mitt
Romney has not been in New York City since he used to anchor the Channel 7
news." –David Letterman
9. "Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it's
known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day."
8. "Here's a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington
became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out
Ron Paul." –Jay Leno
7. "Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British
lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He's 160 years
old. Of course he's unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood
studio, or Congress." –Craig Ferguson
6. "Republicans release a new anti-Obama attack ad. I
can't wait to hear what country he was born in now!" –Stephen Colbert
5. "So let me get this straight. Republicans, you're
annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President's political ad.
You think he's divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have
a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It
seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a
fucking aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the
football before the game had even started!" -Jon Stewart, blasting GOP
hypocrisy over President Obama's Osama bin Laden ad
4. "Romney proves with a little hard work and a little
luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country."
3. "A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that
Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president.
Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he
would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with
him as well." –Jay Leno
2. "We're learning more and more about that whole
Secret Service sex scandal. Apparently the prostitutes in Colombia had code
names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. I mentioned this
the other night: the guy who kept wanting to change positions, his nickname was
"Mitt." The main guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff
until later... his nickname was "Obama." Kind of interesting."
1. "Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for
president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left,
he's the best." –Conan O'Brien
David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways
Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens"
10. "How's puberty going?"
9. "Where do you summer?"
8. "Do you fellows play sportball?"
7. "Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap"
6. "You teens are just the right height"
5. "Check out my sick Windsor knot"
4. "Would you like to see my dancing horse?"
3. "Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity"
2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?")
1. "Didn't I fire your father?"
our Maher fans:
"Mitt Romney swept recent primaries. There was a big Mormon celebration
afterward. People were drinking apple juice and eating animal crackers until
nearly 9 p.m." –Bill Maher
"It looks like the Republicans are going back to the strategy of 2008
where Obama is characterized as a celebrity. Says the party who is gay for Ronald
Reagan. Come on, you can't worship Ronald Reagan and then attack Obama for
being a celebrity. That's like running Chris Christie and saying Obama has a
fat ass." –Bill Maher
"Mitt has to be very careful because he doesn’t want to pick a vice
president who will overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other
guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Oates." –Bill Maher
"Newt Gingrich says he's going to make an announcement on Tuesday that
he's suspending his presidential campaign. Yes, he's letting us down gently.
And also because technicians are still working on Callista to install her sad
face." –Bill Maher
"New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans
don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of
India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as
Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land." –Bill Maher
"New Rule: Let's follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to
make than it's worth. And we don't need another copper-colored reminder that
government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner."