10. "There has been another new development in the Secret Service prostitution scandal... (Some agents) say this kind of thing is so common that internally they refer to it as the Secret Circus. Which explains why they were trying to pay the hookers peanuts." –Jimmy Kimmel

9. "Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At their wedding, Zuckerberg's wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000." –Conan O'Brien

8. "Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason." –Jimmy Fallon

7. "Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece." –David Letterman

6. "Al Gore has a new girlfriend. Apparently, it's getting pretty serious. He's already been over to bore her parents." –Jay Leno

5. "Over the past few months there's been an increasing buzz that Mitt Romney will pick a vice president who's safe, white, and duller than him. Which pretty much narrows it down to a piece of chalk." –Jay Leno

4. "Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'" –Jay Leno

3. "During a speech in Ohio, Joe Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney was like, 'That's ridiculous. Some of my best friends' gardeners are middle class." –Jimmy Fallon

2. "Newsweek magazine has President Obama on the cover this week, calling him the first gay president. Actually, that's not true. Historians say that James Buchanan was probably our first gay president. He was a bachelor, he lived for 15 years with an Alabama senator, and he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli." –Jay Leno

1. "Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who's trying to climb Mount Rushmore. The guy is in his 50s, from Chicago, and he's desperate to get on Mount Rushmore. Oh my God, it's Obama!" –Jay Leno

 
For our Maher fans:

"I know why you're happy. Facebook went public and you're all billionaires now. It is worth one hundred and four billion dollars. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat." –Bill Maher

"Romney had some bad publicity about that incident when he was a teenager and he and his gang chased down a gay kid and pinned him to the ground and cut his hair against his will. Well, it turned out that affected the polls. This week, Romney lost support from people who dislike bullies, jerks, and prep school a**holes. And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the 13th paragraph of a late-night email, and George W. Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator, Ron Paul must top them all by scrawling the word "Mitt" on a Post-it and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump." –Bill Maher

"When you confuse a church with a school it mixes up the things you believe – religion – with the things we know – education. Then you start thinking that creationism is science, and gay aversion is psychology, and praying away hurricanes is meteorology." –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney's speech at Liberty University

"They teach that the Earth is 5,000 years old, and dinosaur fossils washed up in Noah's flood. This is a school you flunk out of when you get the answers right." –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney's speech at Liberty University