10. "Mitt Romney pledged this week (that) if elected president, he will
drive down unemployment to 6% or lower before the end of his first term. Well,
it's easy enough to do; all he has to do is re-hire the people he already
fired." –Jay Leno
9. "This Facebook fiasco is one of the biggest
clusterf**ks ever on Wall Street. Regular people got screwed and the banks and
the insiders did okay. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, 'The American Dream.'"
–Bill Maher
8. "Four Secret Service agents fired for that sex
scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn't realize
the women were prostitutes. Is that the best argument when you're trying to get
your job back in the Secret Service? These guys are supposed to be experts at
picking people out of a crowd. Can't spot a hooker? Really" –Jay Leno
7. "Mitt Romney is trying to get the Latino vote ... He
maintains he’s always had a great relationship with the Latinos in his life, as
long as they don’t wake him up with the leaf blower." –Bill Maher
6. "Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent
of the democratic vote in West Virginia, President Obama got embarrassed again
in Arkansas yesterday when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See, that proves
once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and
a convicted felon." –Jay Leno
5. "A new biography came out that says that in high
school Obama was a huge pothead … Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said,
‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking
pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their
hair." –Bill Maher
4. "A new study shows current members of Congress speak
at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said,
'Nuh-uh!'" –Conan O'Brien
3. "Pollsters found out that when you ask people on a
cell phone who they're supporting, overwhelmingly it's Obama. When you ask on a
landline, Romney. By the way, Romney also has the support among voters who
refer to the coffee pot as the percolator, and the clicker to change the
channel." –Bill Maher
2. "Former President Bill Clinton posed for pictures
with his arms around two women, both of whom turned out to be famous porn stars.
See, this is why we miss Clinton. He was like a president and a Secret Service
agent all rolled into one." –Jay Leno
1. "First lady Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with
anyone in the world, it would be Beyoncé. Of course it got awkward when Barack
was like, 'I'm game!'" –Jimmy Fallon
More
from Maher:
"Between the obesity and the low test scores, you've got to ask yourselves
the question ,'How fat and dumb do our kids have to get before our teachers
stop having sex with them?" –Bill Maher
"Mitt Romney has begun vetting his vice presidential
candidates. And they say they're not going to make the same mistake as they did
last time. They're going to do a much more thorough job vetting than McCain did
with you-know-who. They said this time they're going to ask probing questions like,
'Can you read? And 'How many fingers am I holding up?'" –Bill Maher
"Mitt Romney comes from a Mormon background. I don't know how many wives
he has. I'm not saying that I believe in that, I'm just saying he was born on a
Mormon compound. I'm not a 'Wifer' but for some reason he's never shown his
original marriage certificate." –Bill Maher, counters "Birthers"
by creating a Romney 'Wifer' controversy
