10.
"The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team
and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played
for." –Jay Leno
9.
"Have you seen this video that's gone viral of Mitt Romney having
trouble trying to recognize a chocolate donut? It's all over the web. At first
he said, 'Is that Beluga caviar on a bagel? What is that?' That's why he needs Chris
Christie as his vice president. If anyone can identify a donut, it's Chris
Christie." –Jay Leno
8. "President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of
course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his
presidency goes to a Term 2." –Jimmy Fallon
7. "A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in
college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted
he was once hooked on phonics." –Jay Leno
6.
"Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old
sport-coat pocket." –David Letterman
5.
"Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show 'Dallas' with
Larry Hagman. … The original "Dallas" series started in 1978. Back
then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president.
Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I'm glad
those dark days are over." –Craig Ferguson
4.
"It's great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been
accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to
four years as the state's governor." –Conan O'Brien
3.
"DC Comics has come out with the news that superhero Green Lantern is gay.
In fact, when he heard the news, Batman turned to Superman and said, 'I told
you.'" –Jay Leno
2.
"Mitt Romney's got to think about picking a vice president pretty soon.
And it's kind of a tough situation because political pundits say he needs to
select a running mate that is duller than he is. The only problem is that guy
is already vice president." –Jay Leno
1. “This
weekend President Obama's daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t
ask Obama for a present — you know, because she’s still waiting for him to
deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago." –Jimmy Fallon
David Letterman's "Top Ten Other
Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts"
10. Powdered Snack Cylinders
9. Dessert Bagels
8. Leavened Batter Globules
7. Sugary Pastry Tires
6. Perforated Strudel Orbs
5. Saturated Fat Wheels
4. Dunking Muffins
3. Glazed Giddy-Ups
2. Chris Christie Kremes
1. The Cadillac of Pastries
For our Maher Fans:
"Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They
misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan…I
think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is
Tim." –Bill Maher
"Both Obama and Mitt Romney went on the Country Music
Television Awards. And I'm trying to figure out who has less in common with the
country music fan, a Mormon who doesn’t' drink or heat, or a black guy who's
skinny." –Bill Maher
"Obama had a big fundraiser for the gay and lesbian elite here in
Hollywood. He was introduced by Ellen and did a really dirty joke. Michelle
Obama had gone Ellen's show and had a push-up contest with Ellen and won it.
The president said, 'Ellen claims Michelle didn't go all the way down.' Hey,
who's the potty mouth here, Mr. President? You can take my million, but don't
f**k with my act." –Bill Maher
"The effort to recall Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin failed.
This is the worst thing to happen to organized labor in America since the invention
of Mexicans." –Bill Maher
"Gov. Rick Scott in Florida is purging the voter roles. It's so over the
line that the county election supervisors are refusing to comply. And Gov.
Scott said, 'Hey, we just want to remove people in Florida who are either felons,
deceased, or here illegally.' Which in Florida leaves only 12 people."
–Bill Maher
