10. "Today Todd Akin was named Democratic Party
Employee of the Month." –David Letterman
9. "In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have
time to read 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' Then it got weird when she added,
'Again.'" –Jimmy Fallon
8. "Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from
Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are
'legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.' The good news? Candidates
who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected." –Jay
7. "Akin announced that he is staying in the race. Is
that a surprise? A guy who that knows so little about a woman's body doesn't know
when it's time to pull out." –Jay Leno
6. "Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's
too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th
century." –David Letterman
5. "I just think it's refreshing to see a famous
redhead drunk and stripping that isn't Lindsay Lohan for a change." –Jimmy
4. "Today the Republicans are getting ready for the
convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities."
3. "Six days after Paul Ryan
was picked to be Mitt Romney's running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally
turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while
they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who
goes on vacation in Oklahoma?" –Jimmy Kimmel
2. "President Obama said today he is sticking with Joe
Biden. Which means one of two things – either he thinks Biden is doing a good
job or Hillary said no." –Jay Leno
1. "Are you excited about Paul Ryan? He's a far,
far-right ideologue. The Republican base loves him. He's kind of an English-speaking
version of Sarah Palin." –Bill Maher
Top Ten Congressman Kevin Yoder Excuses
(for skinny-dipping naked in the Sea of Galilee)
10. "What's the big deal, I was naked the whole trip"
9. "It was spring break; chill out"
8. "People in the Middle East are pretty easygoing about nudity"
7. "In my defense, I had been drinking heavily"
6. "Trying to take the focus off Mitt Romney's taxes"
5. "It had been days since a congressman did something embarrassing"
4. "It's Obama's fault"
3. "Putting the 'junk' in 'congressional junket'"
2. "I can't swim naked, but Barney Frank can walk around like this?"
1. "That's how we party in Kansas"
for our Maher fans...
"This ticket is supposed to be so anti-government and pro-business. Paul
Ryan has been in government his whole life, practically from kindergarten. You
know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he
drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's
the other way around." –Bill Maher
"It's only been six days that they've been together as a ticket, and
already Paul Ryan is flip-flopping on everything. All week long, Romney has
been attacking Obama on his $700 billion in Medicare cuts. Apparently Ryan in
his plan had the exact same thought, until yesterday when Romney announced that
Ryan had changed his position. They say this happens to everybody who gets too
close to Mitt Romney. Suddenly your most firmly held beliefs just vanish. In
fact the only way to avoid it is by only looking at a reflection of Romney in
the mirror." –Bill Maher
"Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can't ask him about
his taxes, we can't ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we
can't ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cypher
have so many secrets? It’s like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest." –Bill Maher
"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is doing the keynote speech at the
Republican Convention. He didn't want to, but they're going to lure him in by
having Paul Ryan drive the Wienermobile." –Bill Maher
"New Rule: Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan bromance is somehow gay.
You act like you’ve never seen an older millionaire take a bright young lad
under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while
teaming up to save the country. It happens all the time and there’s nothing gay
about it." –Bill Maher